WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
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Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
The fall of Netflix
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495