WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
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I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Remorse?
I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Not all heroes wear capes…
they see me scrollin
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright