Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

I’m not average. I’m mean.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

Sponch

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.