Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

These work great until they don’t.

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

Good Morning.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.