WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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Bruh 😂
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Saturday
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for