PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
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*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.