warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
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*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”