warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
![]()
You Might Also Like
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
nature’s most graceful animal
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.