WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Mummies are just super modest zombies
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
