WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
