WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Yes
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
we’re gonna need another temp
