Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on