WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
