Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

This could be us… but you playing

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.