Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
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If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
What’s a Messi?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?