Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
You Might Also Like
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Yes, but it was never about money
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here