Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
You Might Also Like
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Well well well…
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat