Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Today’s Times
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.