Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

😂😂