Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

Does this thing get good gas mileage?

-my husband being kidnapped

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.