WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
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My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
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