WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
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[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
as is their right
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
