Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
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Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.