left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
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Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.