Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

My sex drive has a dui

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down