Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.