Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

What.

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.