Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

This is a genius move

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Is this a threat?

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.