Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.