warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
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I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
S M O L
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
The glory of fall.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Good morning
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too