Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]