Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
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“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Try and stop me.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
The “baby” on the left….
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while