Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
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Two types of dogs.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies