Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
This one never gets the credit it deserves
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Saw your ex at the shops
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
