Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”