Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

I have a black belt in leather

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.