Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

🙂🙃🥹

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.