Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
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Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.