Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.