Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
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Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
termite twitter scares me
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”