Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!