Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

I put the hot in psychotic.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell