Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
how to market bottled water to dads
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES