Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
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The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Breaking news:
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
“i miss shittin on people”
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
wow he looks just like him
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
