Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”