Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed