Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This was the best day of my life

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much