Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
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(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*