Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.