Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
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I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Basketball
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.