Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.