Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
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Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol