Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
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Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
they should create new variants of dopamine
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.