Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

i wish we could shoplift online

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

accurate

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.