Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.