Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
me when i smell free food in the break room
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Coffee is ready.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
50 shades of grey = my Liver
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Bootstraps
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.