Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
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Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I’m tired tomorrow.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”