Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
just witnessed a drug deal
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Important reminders
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My dating profile:
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.