was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
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[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.