was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.