Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
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My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!