Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

My circle of trust is a meatball

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

This line from Airplane.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together