Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
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You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me; Right, some revision?
Me: Start with chemistry?
Me: Periodic table?
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.