Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
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Me recordaron éste meme
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
every college guy’s fridge
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”