Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
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Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana