Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
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Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
i want it utterly assaulted.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]