Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
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“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.