Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
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Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Employees must applaud the planets.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.