Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Check your privilege

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR