Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
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Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Try and stop me.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
love it when they get my name right
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay