Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
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OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza
[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Like sleeping!
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die