Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.