Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer