Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
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I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I need to update my racial profile.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this