Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
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The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.